As a doula, I love working with second time parents. Second time parents have knowledge and experience that first-time parents are anxious about because they haven’t been there yet. They know more about what is normal and what is not when it comes to pregnancy. They know multiple ways to soothe a crying baby, and have gathered resources that they trust for good information. They don’t have to worry about shopping around for providers usually, or if they do, they’re much more picky the second time because of their previous experience.
Whether your second baby was planned or a complete surprise because you actually believed your grandmother when she told you that you can’t get pregnant while breastfeeding, the second time around brings its own worries. The big three that I hear are these:
- Will my experience be the same?
- Do we have everything we need?
- Will I love this kid as much as the first?
Here is what I tell people…
1. No, your experience will not be exactly the same the second time.
Every baby, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience are different! What about the first time would you like to change? Sometimes that means hiring someone like a doula to help you for birth or postpartum, because you want something different the second time, or exactly the same. It is really important that you be able to let go of the anxiety of expectations, and know that you have survived 100% of your really hard days so far, so clearly you can do this. I’m not promising the second time will be easier, but oh my goodness you have so many more resources than you did the first time you did this!
2. Things and resources can be gathered during your pregnancy.
So, definitely think about what you have and what you might need. If your first child is still young, you may still have all the things you need, or only a few gaps to fill. I personally loved having my kids close together for the stuff factor alone, plus being able to splurge on one nice double stroller was a great thing for our family. If you struggled the first time around with a baby who had a tongue or lip tie, you’ll want to make sure you can get in to see a dentist who specializes in revisions quickly for an evaluation for this second kid too. Second time parents are better at asking for help sooner & knowing who to ask for help too, so fill out those resource lists to save yourself some time later!
3. I worried so much that I would never love my second baby as much as the first.
How was it even going to be possible? In case nobody has told you yet, this magic thing happens when you meet that second baby–your heart GROWS to love even more. I was never brave enough to have a 3rd, but I really do imagine that this magic keeps happening, and often wonder at the capacity for love that people who have a gaggle of children have in their hearts. (Also, I wonder at their capacities for patience, tolerance of chaos, and so much more!)
Braving this parenthood thing for a second time around is not for the light of heart. The biggest lesson I learned from my second child was that I thought I had all babies figured out, but really I had only figured out my first child. As a doula, I get all kinds of parents expecting their second child that inquire about doula services for the first time too, for many reasons. For whatever reason: worry less, and ask for more help the second time around if you can!
