Loss happens. How you support someone after a loss matters. As a doula first starting out, I wasn’t entirely prepared to support a family experiencing a miscarriage or infant loss. Having walked that path with several families in the last 10 years, I’ve come to understand just how common loss truly is in this space and how to better support people through that experience. We recently hosted a training here by Dr. Abby Jorgensen on the Basics of Bereavement and learned so much together. One of my favorite things she discussed in that class was the comfort in, dump out model of supporting people. So often we want to help people who are grieving but we don’t know how. Below is a short list for you to have a better understanding of how to be helpful. These all can also apply to how you support yourself too, so keep reading even if that’s you.
Here are 5 ways to support someone after they experience a loss.
1. Empathy not solutions after a loss.
Grief is not a problem to be fixed, it’s a process that everyone navigates in their own way. Listening to someone while they are in pain and responding with understanding and comfort is incredibly supportive and caring. Platitudes and explanations are not comforting in the midst of grief for most people. Tune in to them. Listen. You don’t have to try to solve anything, other than maybe handing them some tissues if they need them.
2. Holding space without suggestions
Quietly sitting & listening is powerfully comforting for someone going through loss. Listen to what is not being said and to the need behind the feelings. I promise you, this is a very challenging skill and very much goes against how many of us were raised to be helpful. Just being present can be comforting. As a doula, after a loss I lean so hard into holding space for the family.
3. Honor the loss
I don’t mean put together an elaborate ceremony, but I do mean finding a way to acknowledge the loss in a meaningful way for that family. For some that can mean making a donation in their names and for others that can mean purchasing a personalized gift. People carry their grief with them the rest of their lives after a loss, truly, so this is something that can be very meaningful even long after the initial shock has faded.
4. Physical & practical support
Set up a meal train for the family. Send them a gift card for a nice dinner. If you are good friends, go help them with their laundry and the other tasks of keeping their lives moving forward. Hugs are great if they consent, and don’t be the first to let go. Walk their dog for them. Bring them a blanket. After a loss, people need the space and practical support to just grieve.
5. Help others help them too
Remember the principles of comfort in and dump out, and remind others. This could be as simple as shaking your head at a well-meaning person spouting platitudes or as complicated as coordinating other accommodations for well-meaning family members who come in from out of town to stay at the grieving family’s house.
Miscarriage happens. Some babies are born sleeping. Knowing how to help can be the difference between amplifying or lessening someone’s pain during the process of grief after a loss. We are proud to offer bereavement doula services for anyone experiencing a loss or having experienced a recent loss. I truly hope that this newsletter helps give you some ideas on how to be more helpful should the unthinkable happen to someone in your life, including yourself.
