Sometimes getting what you want takes a whole lot of advocacy. I recently went to visit a client for a postpartum visit to talk about her birth experience, meet their baby, & provide them with any resources they need. This is the last step in my birth doula service packages, and I was really excited to talk to these repeat clients because she had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). She said something to me that struck me to my core, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. “It was just so hard to fight for every single little thing, and I’m not sure I could do it again.” Oof! That hit me right in my little advocacy driven heart.
She’s soooooooooo right of course. Self-advocacy, no matter who you have on your team, can be so exhausting. The critical part of my brain gets angry at the system that makes advocating so hard for yourself necessary, and I start down this rabbit hole of thinking of solutions to make it better. When know that part of what makes advocacy so very necessary and challenging is the system that we have currently. Thank goodness we have great academics working on these problems too. This softer human part of me is sad that families have to make so many compromises because they have limited energy and resources. There are only so many hours in a day, and advocacy can eat up many of them if you’re preparing to push back against how things usually go—like advocating for a VBAC instead of opting for a scheduled repeat surgical birth. The truth of the matter is this…
People make choices based on their education, abilities, and priorities. Fighting every single step of the way is a choice that not everyone can make, and that truth is a HARD one! We’re all dealing with different circumstances, many times complicated by things very far out of our control like other people’s biases and perceptions of us. You have to focus on what you can control and what you can change. Sometimes that type of advocacy means investigating a gentler family centered cesarean surgery instead of trying for a VBAC. The most important part of advocacy is having an honest listen to your own needs and assessing how much time and energy you are able to devote to pushing for what you want/need.
Doula Advocacy
Any good doula worth their salt will hold space for these kinds of discussions and LISTEN to what you are and aren’t saying about your priorities. (Pssst, that’s one of the reasons we kinda giggle when people think we come to doula work with an agenda on how you should do things.) As doulas, we’re gonna keep advocating at the systems level for changes that don’t force people into untenable choices too, because duh, advocacy is part of our job. We’re also going to keep pointing out that REST is important, to everyone, and it’s ok to put down whatever banner you are carrying around right now about how any particular choice is what you should do! One of my favorite advocacy phrases from my postpartum doula trainer is, “Don’t should all over someone.” I try to keep that as part of my approach to advocacy at all times—including when I’m speaking to someone working within a hospital system by the way.
Prioritizing rest is important, especially when you are growing and nourishing tiny humans. Take it seriously, and know that advocacy is a journey. Having someone along for that journey who can help ask questions and advocate along side you while you rest. Think of breaks as plugging yourself in to recharge and come back stronger. Part of advocacy is also knowing when to step away from the fight, and preparing to come back rested or walk away knowing that you made the best choice for yourself and your family.
