One of the most nebulous and confusing things we doulas say all the time is that we hold space for people. What does that really mean though. I find this to be a really confusing explanation for a skillset that isn’t always appreciated until you need it and aren’t getting it. I certainly didn’t understand what it means to hold space until I actually experienced it. Let me illustrate how doulas hold space for you with an example:
You just got home from the hospital and now you have a parade of visitors coming over to see you. You feel like you are leaking from every single hole in your body and every time your tiny baby makes a peep, you instinctively feel a pull to pick them up and figure out exactly what they need. Your well-meaning visitors ask you, “are you feeding him again already?” Now your head is spinning wondering if you’re doing the right thing in the right way and omg why are they still sitting here talking about the party they went to last weekend when your tiny human just went to sleep and will probably only sleep for 20 minutes and aren’t you “supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps” too? Your visitor needs to do better, because you clearly need SPACE to figure it all out and maybe some listening non-judgemental ears too.
What does holding space mean for you?
Having that kind of space, and someone to hold space for you, means you get to figure out what works best for your family right now. (Psst, that’s going to keep shifting, so demanding space now can help you get used to needing it too.) A doula holds space for you to have ALL your feelings. We know there isn’t one right way to do things, even for the same family all the time. It means that we don’t insert our ideas of what you should do, rather we listen to what you are thinking and feeling, share evidence-based information with you, and let you decide what will work best for your specific situation. This isn’t just for space from other people, but also for your feelings, needs, and time too. As a doula I especially like to hold space for learning, and in a world where information overload is oh so real, this can be really helpful.
Honestly, one of the biggest issues I see in postpartum is this struggle between some imagined ideal that people have for how things are supposed to be done and the actual boots-on-the-ground struggles that parents are facing. This gets complicated when more outside opinions get thrown into the mix sometimes too. When we hold space for people, we allow them the time and trust they need to find their normal. We validate their capacity and feelings, and reassure them that yes, this is very hard and yes, they really can do this.
Hiring a doula means we listen and filter the information to tailor it to your situation. We remind you that every single situation is different, and help you navigate the newness how you want to. We help create that soft place to land in postpartum and find your way through all the options and opinions in pregnancy & birth too. We help you navigate this unknown space of welcoming a new human to your life, and hold space for you to figure out how you can move through this big change. To hold space might sound like some magic squishy power, but it really is about empathy and knowledge and skills that not everyone appreciates. Doulas hold space for transitions. That’s not magic, it’s just remarkably human.
