One of my favorite examples of what your team isn’t saying: At 3am my client was breathing through her contractions and swaying with her husband when their nurse came in the room with the phone to her ear. “OK, so you want me to tell them that she isn’t progressing quickly enough and it’s time to start *pit to get this labor moving Dr. _____?” My clients’ eyes got big and I could see the panic in the way they changed their stance and movement. The nurse continued, “Ok, and you’re on call until 7am right?” I winked at the nurse and she nodded at me. I knew what she was doing in that moment and appreciated it so very much! My clients didn’t understand, but they would soon.
*synthetic oxytocin, brand name Pitocin, pit for short.
As humans, communication is complicated, and knowing what your team isn’t saying isn’t always easy. We use our words to communicate complicated ideas, and can be offended simply by the way that someone looks at us without ever saying a word. Listening is a skill and understanding the entire context is quite simply, a next level skill that not everyone ever acquires. Communication and listening skills become even more amplified during pregnancy and postpartum when our hormones are going wild and pushing us to absorb ALL the information as a means of survival. Listening fully becomes imperative for tempering your hormonal reactions that can put your body into fight or flight mode, the stress of which can actually stop your labor or stop milk production. What your team isn’t saying is important to understand, and a doula can help with that context.
What the nurse wasn’t saying…
In that moment with my client in the hospital room, I breathed a sigh of relief in the exact moment that they started to panic, because of the context. What exactly isn’t the team saying here? The nurse had come into the room to have what is normally a conversation that would happen at the nurses’ station on the phone with the on-call Obstetrician. I knew that the OB on call was not my clients’ OB, and I knew that this particular doctor is particularly pushy and abrasive. I knew that my clients’ OB was coming back at 7am. That nurse kept the line of communication open simply by keeping us in the loop. She made sure we knew what option she was going to have to present to my client and that we knew it wasn’t her idea. What the team isn’t saying is sometimes as important as what they are. When she hung up, we had a conversation about what my clients wanted and the nurse agreed to communicate directly to the OB that they declined her suggestion of starting pit. It continues to be a moment that I reflect on as a doula as such a great example of how nurses and doulas work together to help birthing parents get what they need and communicate clearly.
Listening skills are sooo imperative when it comes to pregnancy and postpartum. Everyone wants to tell you their story of pregnancy and feeding their baby and when their baby reached which milestone and so on forever and ever with parents. (Yes, seriously, I still hear milestone things from parents of 10th graders, so I’m guessing this goes on forever!) When you listen to these stories and advice, see the people telling them. They may actually want to tell you how to do things, but they may also have a need to feel seen and heard as experienced parents. They may need validation that they made a good choice or that yes, their experience shouldn’t be dismissed just because everyone is still alive. You also have to read into what isn’t being said. The most important listening skill in my opinion is to remember when NOT to listen. Letting a story or advice or BIG feelings from someone else flow in one ear and out the other is a really important skill. YOU get to decide what to bring into your bubble. You get to decide what aligns with your approach and values, and what should just float away. You are the boss applesauce, and you can always smile and nod and go do whatever you think is best for you and your family.
